God, I’m so behind. I’m gonna have to make a week’s worth of reviews, aren’t I? Sorry, I guess I haven’t been up to writing that much in wake of the depression that’s covered about 51% or so of the country over the past few weeks. That’s as far as I’ll go into that so don’t bother asking me my thoughts on it.

Well, same as last time, I’m watching the trailers of everything coming out in the winter (December, January, and February) and putting them into one of four categories: Watching, Interested, Eh, and NOPE!!. I won’t be watching everything I like, sadly, because of money reasons. Okay? Okay.

UPDATE: I’m retroactively placing Get Out on my Interested list.

Watching

Rogue One: It’s Star Wars and I’m a geek. Nuff said. Plus Mads Mikkelsen, Felicity Jones (Who seems really good), and a return by James Earl Jones as Darth Vader in a much better prequel to the original trilogy than what we got before.

A Monster Calls: A young bullied boy finds a creature that helps him through his mother’s terminal illness and having to lose her via stories. I find it a fascinating idea that a boy confronts his fears and worries surrounding losing the only person he cares about through this monster. It’s right up my alley and I can’t wait to see it. Also, another Felicity Jones film, what are the odds?

Hidden Figures: I’ve been looking forward to this one: the untold story of the African-American women who worked for NASA and got Apollo 11 to the Moon. Yes, I don’t like biodramas, but I can’t ignore this. It takes place in the Cold War, it’s about science, specifically space and NASA, and it’s an important part of American history that most don’t know about. I’m watching it.

The Lego Batman Movie: AKA The Only DC Film I’m Actively Looking Forward To. Been waiting for this one for a while and I can’t wait! Also, Billy Dee Williams is FINALLY playing Two Face…28 years later. *Faceplam*

Interested

Jackie: A biodrama about Jackie Kennedy as the First Lady and in the days after her husband’s death. I normally don’t like biodramas, but it seems interesting and I’ve never understood the hate for Natalie Portman. Was it because of the Star Wars prequels? That was years ago.

Collateral Beauty: Will Smith suffering through depression after losing his child is helped by the personifications of Death, Time, and Love. First off, not a based on true story film so it has that going for it, and it’s an interesting idea about finding meaning in tragedy and coming back from the brink. Definitely interested.

Solace: Originally conceived as a sequel to Se7en, we got psychics, FBI, and serial killers. One, it’s got Anthony Hopkins in it. Two, it’s a thriller, which I like. Three, it’s got Colin Farrell, who I liked in Fantastic Beasts. Seems good.

Assassin’s Creed: I really want to put this in Eh. It’s a video game movie, they always suck. But, sadly, I do have to concede that it does look interesting. It’s an original story in the same universe as the games so it doesn’t screw up any of them, they appear to get the Assassin powers right, Fassbender’s good, and, most importantly, my flatmate’ll kill me if I put this any lower.

Passengers: Again, this is how you do a romance that’ll appeal to me: stick it in a setting I like with actors who have done this shit before. How many romance sci fi thrillers are there? Especially ones with Star Lord and Katniss?

Sing: I haven’t been to any of Illumination Entertainment’s movies before because they didn’t appeal to me, but I like the pig mom and the cockney gorilla in the trailers and Scarlett Johansson is in it so I’m gonna give this one a chance.

Fences: A film based off a play about a former baseball player in the 1950s and how his bitterness affects those around him. It’s directed by and stars Denzel Washington, who I like, and it has Viola Davis in it, who I also like. Yeah, I’m sold.

Live By Night: Prohibition, cop’s son turned gangster, seems interesting. It’s written, directed, produced by, and starring Ben Affleck who has a good track record. I can see this being good.

Sleepless: A remake of a French thriller, a dirty cop’s son is taken by a drug lord, exposing his secret life as he tries to save him. Kinda sounds a bit like Taken, but I never saw Taken and that premise is still interesting.

Aloko Udapadi: …of all the foreign films released, how did this one make Wikipedia’s list? Spoken entirely in Sinhala (from an island south of India), the film is a historical epic about efforts to preserve the Buddha’s teaching in written form while the country is attacked by invaders. So, a Bible epic, but Buddhist kinda? Seems interesting and it’s nice to see a religious film be about something else for once.

A Dog’s Purpose: …I wanna put this lower so I can put this out of my head because DOGGIES DYING! NOO!! WAHHHAAAHH! T.T But it does look like a cute story and it’s gonna make me cry. Why are all the dog stories sad feels inducing?! …Now I wanna hug my dog.

Collide: A action film about a guy stealing drugs in order to pay for his girlfriend’s kidney transplant. Drug Lord’s Anthony Hopkins. Kinda wish the girl was trying to save herself, but it still seems up my alley.

John Wick: Chapter 2: Sequel to a movie I haven’t seen yet, but apparently the first one was good. If I can see the first film, I’ll see it.

A United Kingdom: A based on true story romance film. I can’t believe I’m actually thinking of seeing this, but the story looks sweet and the actors seem to have good chemistry. The story’s about more than the romance, it’s about two people defying the British power to be together. I like that.

Get Out: The Stepford Wives, but with racism. How no one has thought of this before, I don’t know, but it’s genius. The only reason it’s not in Watching is because it’s a horror film, but the trailers have me intrigued.

Eh

The Comedian: The rise and fall story of a comedian played by Robert De Niro. I’m not gonna rule it out completely, but it just doesn’t seem like my thing. Have fun if you like it.

Man Down: A war drama about a Marine suffering from PTSD. Seems interesting and it isn’t based on a true story, but I’m sorry. I can’t get into Shia LaBeouf. I know what I said about Natalie Portman, but at least she’s been in films I like recently. The only films Shia LaBeouf has been in that I like were Holes and Nausicaa. That was over 10 years ago.

Office Christmas Party: Doesn’t really seem that interesting. It’s a bunch of idiots having a crazy Christmas Party to spite a guy’s sister who owns the place. It has Kate McKinnon in it, who I like, so I won’t rule it out, but it doesn’t really appeal to me.

La La Land: The big Oscar bait, ‘Look, The Artist won Best Picture. We can too.’, film. It’s a romantic dramedy musical. While it’s closer to Interested than others on this list, it’s still not interesting enough for me to justify putting it there. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but a romance needs more for me to want to see it than the Moulin Rouge approach.

The Founder: A biodrama about MacDonald’s…yeah. Only reason this isn’t a NOPE!! is because Michael Keaton’s the main character and Ron Swanson’s in it. But it’s teetering.

Patriots Day: A biodrama about the Boston Bombings. I personally consider 2013 the year the world learned not to [BLEEP] with Boston (Who shut down the city, found the guys, and then won the World Series for shits and giggles) which is why this isn’t a NOPE!!. However, I don’t like biodramas about recent events. Go watch it if you want, but it’s not for me.

Silence: The main protagonist is apparently white in the original Japanese novel so I’ll let it slide and it escapes a NOPE!!. Based off a work of historical fiction, it deals with religious discrimination in Japan during the 17th century which could work as a metaphor for current Islamophobia. High on the list, but not enough for Interested.

20th Century Women: …I’m not sure what this is about. I think it’s about a single mother in the 1970s raising her son. It’s apparently a comedy. I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes either.

Underworld: Blood Wars: Sequel to a series of films I haven’t seen, but it’s an action film so I won’t rule it out completely.

Monster Trucks: This looks really stupid, but fun. Not really my cup of tea, but it’s closer to Interested than most in this category. Anyone else think the main guy kinda looks like Sam Winchester?

xXx: Return of Xander Cage: Sequel to a series I haven’t seen. First two films apparently weren’t that great. I do like me some Vin Diesel and Samuel L Jackson though so I won’t rule it out completely.

Bastards: Two guys trying to find their dad after learning he didn’t die when they were kids and no one knows who he is…so the roadtrip equivalent of Mama Mia without the musical numbers? I like J.K. Simmons, but I don’t think it’ll be that great. Not saying no, but it’s lower on the list.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: Almost definitely NOT the final chapter to a series I haven’t seen yet. Not ruling it out, but probably won’t catch up in time.

The Space Between Us: A boy raised on Mars comes to Earth to meet his pen pal and they fall in love. The space research team tries to get him back to Mars because he can’t survive for long on Earth. It does seem interesting, but it’s bogged down by the fact it’s a romance about a human who acts like an alien, not an actual alien. Close to Interested, but not quite.

Fist Fight: Two teachers get into a conflict and one challenges the other to a fight. I agree with the skinny guy, what kind of school is this?! Might be funny and I do like seeing people get beat up for comedic effect so I won’t rule it out.

A Cure For Wellness: A psychological horror thriller in a creepy hospital. While the concept does seem interesting, I prefer to sleep at night. Won’t say no, though.

The Great Wall: …You mean that Chinese film with Matt Damon? I mean, it sounds interesting, but I still can’t get over the whole white guy in medieval China thing. It’ll probably be okay, but I’ll most likely skip it.

Tulip Fever: Another romance, this time in 17th century Netherlands. Just…eh.

NOPE!!!

Incarnate: Supernatural horror. Big NOPE!!. Seems like a mix of The Exorcist and The Omen. …Very similar films I know, but I don’t watch these things. I have to take what little comparisons I can find.

Nerdland: Two assholes abusing people to be famous. …Yeah, not my cup of tea. Have fun with that.

Why Him: A rom-com about a dad who doesn’t like his daughter’s rich and vulgar boyfriend. Yeah, not interested. I don’t like rom-coms to begin with. I’m sure the boyfriend wins the dad over in some way or the dad learns to let his baby go and make her own choices. It’s just not for me.

Gold: Sleazy douchebag tries to find gold. It’s apparently based on a true story. McConaughey’s character seems unlikeable and if I’m gonna watch a treasure hunt film then I want to be able to like to protagonist.

Amityville: The Awakening: Oh god, they’re still making these movies? Yeah. No thanks.

The Bye Bye Man: Haunted house slasher movie about a guy responsible for making people evil? NOPE! Oh, and look at that. It comes out on Friday the 13th. So this is a thing. Also, were you just not able to get the rights to Slenderman?

Split: Another M. Night Shyamalan film? No thank you. I don’t care if it’s a thematic sequel to one of his few good films, I’m still not interested.

The Resurrection of Gavin Stone: A celebrity serving community service hours pretending to be religious so he can play Jesus in a play and eventually finds his faith…sounds great, but doesn’t interest me that much. Enjoy it if you like it. Lead’s played by Ward from Agents of SHIELD.

Rings: Same film from last season that got pushed back. Again: NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!

Same Kind of Different as Me: A jerk and his saint of a wife have their marriage fixed by a homeless man who the wife saw in a dream once. Apparently his life is changed as well, but the trailer doesn’t make that clear. …based on a true story. Not my cup of tea.

Fifty Shades Darker: The sequel to the Twilight erotic fan fiction movie? Yeah, no thanks. …HOW DID THIS GET A SEQUEL!!? MUCH LESS TWO SEQUELS!!?

Patient Zero: A horror movie with a pandemic. No thanks. Also, Matt Smith, what is with your hair? It is so weird hearing him with an American accent.

Well, that’s all for this season. …Wow, I’ve got catching up to do. And with the Moffat specials only a few weeks away.

(Photo via Crazy Gallery)

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